Decisions, decisions

I know I will regret not writing about this one day so here it is. We are in the middle of making a very life-changing decision right now. This has been going on for several months now and we are right now at the brink of our decision. I am very uncertain of our future and this decision weighs heavily on me every day. In April there was a shake-up at Dane's company. He has been working there since we moved back to Utah 3 years ago. It was a great company. They treated us like family. His boss knew me and our kids. The CEO sent me a birthday card every year. It was really great. Life was stable, secure, smooth, pleasant. Well, April comes along and BAM! The rug was ripped out from under us. The CEO "resigned" and most everyone got shifted down in position and pay. We were forced to learn a painful lesson in retail. It changes...often...without notice.

Some of these changes is what draws Dane to love this industry. Trust me, he didn't aspire to be a grocery store manager. He kind of happened upon it. He was going to be a banker or a marketer. He has 8 years of banking experience and a marketing degree. So let's work in a grocery store. It's confusing but he has found his passion and absolutely loves it. He loves the fast pace and the challenge of keeping all the balls in the air. He loves that it is physically and mentally challenging everyday. I really miss the banking holidays and weekends with my husband but he is so happy in his career that it makes it worth it.

Back to the story. The big shake-up caused Dane to start putting his resume out there and apply for jobs. He could see that any upward mobility would take very long with his company now. We have had several interviews and phone calls but the 2 that it has come down to is a company called Grocery Outlet and 7-11. 7-11 is a district manager job that Dane would be very good at and like a lot. Grocery Outlet is a different opportunity. We would own and operate our own store. We as in both of us. As in I would have to work and find an equal passion for grocery stores and running a business. NOT what I had envisioned for me or our family. However, as we have become more familiar with the company and the opportunity placed before us, it has sounded better and better. If we can operate a successful store, we will make more money then we had ever hoped for. We would be able to set our own schedules everyday so one of us could be home with the kids. We can teach our kids how to work and earn what they have. We would be able to give in a way we have only dreamed about. The American Dream, really.

The downfall? There are no stores anywhere close to where we live. That means leaving ALL of our family. Selling our house, that we SWORE we would never move out of. Selling most of our belongings because we would be moving into an apartment. Uprooting our kids and leaving the greatest neighborhood and ward anyone could ever want. Those are some hefty sacrifices. Not to mention the risks if we don't have a successful store and it doesn't work out. Then we have lost everything we have worked so hard for in the last 13 years of marriage.

We would be moving to Seattle for about 2 years and after that...who knows? Somewhere in the North West. Washington, Oregon, Northern California. It just depends on where there are new stores opening. It all sounds so crazy but we have already flown out twice to interview with people who are doing it. They all love it. They all admit it is hard work and stressful at times but none of the 15 couples we have talked to would ever go back to doing anything else again. These are all people who have been in the industry for years who had good paying, high-up positions with Target, Walmart, Safeway, Albertsons, Trader Joes. They are all amazing, smart people.

We have done hard and scary before and it has all been worth it in the end. I just thought that part of our lives was over. I thought we did our time, we lived in a few states, now it's time to settle. I don't know if we are settlers. I don't know if we have chosen an industry that won't allow that or if we are being guided to do something different then what we had planned. I have tried and tried to get an answer one way or the other but the feeling I keep getting is that I am smart, I am capable of making hard decisions, and no matter what I chose, the Lord will be with me. I hate that answer. I would like a box checked "yes" or "no". Please.

It is all very confusing. I feel like it is important to be home with my kids. But I am finding it almost impossible to be able to be a stay-at-home-mom on a limited income. I would love to never have to work but I am not willing to sacrifice my kids' future to make that happen. I will do everything in my power to be able to send them on a mission and go to college. I desperately want them to be able to pursue their talents without them having to worry about if we can afford it or not. It doesn't mean that they won't put their fair share in. They will work to get all of those things. So...decisions, decisions, decisions. We don't even have a solid offer from either so maybe we have no choice at all but this is what has been weighing on me for the last 5 months. I feel like I am about ready to jump off a cliff with either decision. I just don't want to have regrets. But I do have faith that my Heavenly Father won't let me do something I can't handle and I will feel at peace with whatever decision we make. Hopefully I will have an answer soon. I don't know if my emotions can handle this limbo for much longer!

Remembering 9-11-01

I felt the need to record my memories about September 11. I don't know if I have written them anywhere so the 11th anniversary seemed appropriate. We had gone to Arizona to visit Aunt Nancy (Dane's aunt) and her family. We had a wonderful vacation and visited with Aimee and Ray and Ashley and Jordan. We visited lots of fun places and went swimming. Hailee was our only baby and she was about 6 months old. We were planning on flying home on September 12. We woke up around 7:30 and were getting ready to go out and say hello to everyone. Aimee burst through our door and told us to come out and watch...something was happening. It was 3 hours later in New York so the second plane had just hit by the time we started watching. We watched in horror as the towers came crashing down. I didn't understand and couldn't process what was happening. We spent the next 24 hours glued to the TV. We couldn't stop watching.

The next day we discovered that we would not be flying home...for a while. I began to feel very home sick. I remember wanting to be around those who I loved. I longed to be able to turn on the TV in Utah and see the Prophet. I longed for comfort for words that would help make sense of this horrible thing. I called and talked to my parents and Dane's parents and felt a little better. But I felt a gaping hole. I had fear of raising my sweet daughter in a place that doesn't make sense anymore. How can I feel happy and safe in this world anymore?

We ended up having to rent a car and drive home - 14 hours straight so Dane could get back to work. Soon we got back to normal and life went on. But I will never forget. I will never forget those brave men and women who were rushing into the buildings when most people were running for their lives to get out. I will never forget the stories and sounds from that day. What I have learned is that this world is imperfect but God is perfect. He can comfort in times of need like nothing else can. It is hard to understand but 11 years later I have a small understanding of agency and how it fits into the Plan of Salvation. Although our loving Heavenly Father has the power to stop things like this, it is not part of the plan of happiness. The power for me to chose what I do with my life and how I raise my family is the same power that gives someone the choice to cause pain and death. We must have faith in the mercy and justice of God.